Stormy weather - but here comes the sun

(originally posted on www.theydontlikeitupem.co.uk on1st February 2010)

You might have noticed a big gap there between blog posts. Those of you who know me, know that I have cyclothymia. Sometimes I'm up, a 'normal' functioning human being. Sometimes I'm hyper, mega-creative, pinging from one idea to another, talking a million miles an hour. And sometimes I'm down - the black brooding storm clouds arrive, they descend on me smothering hope, leaving me paralysed, freezing me in time where minutes drift into hours, days, weeks.....where I don't have the energy to fight, to cope, to be.

Christmas always triggers a bit of a down. 

I know it's coming and I try to prepare so that it won't hit me so hard (and so that everyone else won't have to pick up so many pieces) but the best laid plans crumble at the first hint of darkness. Sometimes I come out of it by mid January....I can't 'snap out of it' but after years and years of this I do now know that this is a cycle, this is cyclothymia and no matter how pointless, worthless, paralysed, frozen, inadequate, useless (and many associated swear words I beat myself up with) I feel, one day I will come out the other side of the mountain, I will suddenly be able to see the light that's been evading me and it's at this point I'll suddenly discover that choice is back - I can choose how I want to spend that day, and the next, whether I want to give in to the lows or whether I want to crawl back into the land of the living, to spend the time until the next down trying to be happy.

So that's where Christmas and January went. Though I'm certain many of you who know me had already guessed that. My lifetime companions, my storm clouds paid a visit along with REAL storms here in Phoenix - I can't say I ever expected there to be a state of emergency here with tornado watches, blizzard and flood warnings, that wasn't the weather I signed up to! 

But do you know what, the clouds are clearing, in my head and outside the house and albeit as per usual I've had to start my 'new year' in February, I've got a feeling that 2010 is going to be a good year and I'm choosing to live again and see what it throws my way.

Ps. If you've ever felt totally without hope, then this letter from Stephen Fry to Crystal Nunn is probably one of the best, most eloquent, most understanding things ever written about depression (including cyclothymia and bi-polar) and everyone in the world should read it to get a better understanding that It Will Be Sunny One Day.