Yesterday was a good day. I'm having a lot more good days recently. In fact I think I'm on the way back up (for more explanation of what I'm on about see below or here).
It was this morning that I made a mistake. I didn't look at my calendar.
If I had looked at my calendar I'd have seen that this morning was the morning I'd been planning to make it out of the house early and that I should stay out all day.
Today was the day that the dreaded lifecoach was due to call.
(If you've missed the back story to this, part of us moving to America involved being health vetted by my husband's company to see if they'd pay mine and the kids health insurance as well as his. Unfortunately I have cyclothymia, the mildest form of bipolar and have had in the past suicidal thoughts...actually, attempts but I only answered the questions they asked me, and they only luckily asked me about the thoughts. The most extreme my condition has been was nearly a decade ago though and since then I have had proper diagnosis, treatment and have a coping system, wonderful husband and very good friends who watch out for me in case I don't spot the signs of me going downhill fast. But anyway, I had to answer their questions honestly so I got a low score on my 'stress' section (even though I don't actually suffer from stress, I suffer from a clinical form of depression....but their scoring system says I suffer from stress) and so I have to have 6 'phone sessions with the company-appointed lifecoach to get me eating better and taking more exercise to try and increase or is it decrease my 'stress' score).
I'd decided after the last call in November I would 'accidentally' be out today.
In the first session I had to explain to lifecoach what cyclothymia was, that I wasn't stressed and that there was a huge possibility, in fact probability that my scores won't increase because I have good days and bad days (or rather good weeks/fortnights/months and bad weeks/fortnights/months) because of my condition and always will.....the only thing that seems to be getting better over the years is my ability to spot what's happening to me and realising that it's not the end of the world and that the sun WILL come out again at some point.
On the last call in November, I was on a the start of a downhill slide and I knew it. I told the lifecoach this and she told me that "studies show" eating more fruit and veg and getting fresh air can help when "you're feeling sad". Harumph. Despite me telling her that there was a huge possibility that I'd probably find it hard to get out of the house at all in the next few weeks and would probably just ride this one out curled up in a darkened room under a duvet (in reality this one wasn't that bad), she carried on regardless getting me to commit to how many portions of fruit and veg and how many minutes of exercise out riding my bike I'd plan to do before our next call. She clearly just has a script and needs to tick boxes.
Well anyway, it's been Christmas and I've been "really sad" (in her words) so I see it as a plus that I've been looking after myself at all (and by this I mean eating anything on a regular basis) and with that and the dreadful colds the whole family had, I've probably managed 3 bike rides since November? I don't know, I can't remember....not top of my list.
So unfortunately, she called today and me being neurotic about answering the 'phone in case school rings about one of the girls being ill, I picked up. I really should get caller ID shouldn't I?
And I told her that I'd been right in thinking that November and December would be tough, and that I did get very depressed and didn't achieve any of the goals she set me.
And I don't think she listened to a single word I said because she carried asking me the usual questions about fruit and veg intake, minutes of exercise achieved, hours slept per night etc.
By the end of it I was just saying "none" to every question. I'm sure if I thought about it's not as bad as that....but I was getting irritated and I don't know why, but this whole thing rubs me the wrong way and makes me "a bit sad".
So at the end we "agreed" what my goals would be before our next call on February 21st. I say agreed, I said I didn't know what I'd be able to commit to in a weedy little broken down voice and she said "shall we just keep the goals the same as last month?"...."yes" I murmured.
Then she told me that she could make me an appointment with Mr. D's work counsellor to help me "deal" with my "problems". Sigh. I have cyclothymia lady. I have been seen by doctors, a clinical psychiatrist, have received treatment and support from a whole raft of highly qualified mental health experts, I have expressed to you that I have been signed off treatment by them as they were happy that I competent with the support that I get from family and friends as well in coping with my cyclothymia, that isn't going to magically clear off after seeing a work's counsellor.
Sorry, I know I'm using this post to get this out of my system. I will shut up now. And please remind to be elsewhere on February 21st.
I'm going off to do some furious sewing now. I'm not going to let today remain a bad day.